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#6: Get your nose out of other people’s success.

Success is like money. When other people have more than we do, we think it defines us. When other people have less than we do, we somehow think it makes us better than they are. When people at work have more success than us, we find ways to let everyone know they didn’t deserve it. Truth is, we all have our failures and our successes, and the only people we can compare ourselves to is ourselves. Who we were and what we were doing yesterday compared to today.

WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR BUSINESS:

You may care about my success if I ever find myself measuring it in the following ways: human trafficking, terrorist activities, drug dealing, and puppy euthanizing.  Notice I said “and” for each of those, not “or.”

#7: Get your nose out of other people’s sicknesses.

Every time I mention that I have a headache, or that I see stars, or that my butt hurts, or that I’m sweating acid, everyone knows exactly what’s wrong with me, and exactly what I need to do to fix it. I know the internet has made everyone experts, but we’re not. Half the time my doctor doesn’t even know and he went to school for twelve years and studied nothing but how to fix my ailments.

WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR BUSINESS:

The day you walk in for a job interview at a doctor’s office, and they ask you what your credentials are, and you say, “I know my way around WebMD,” and they say, “welcome aboard doctor!” That’s the day I want your diagnoses and witch cures.



#8: Get your nose out of other people’s purchases.

When I tell you I’m broke, it doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to ever buy anything outside of Top Ramen and crap from the dollar bin. Poor people are allowed to splurge once in a while. When you think I’ve got plenty of money, it’s also none of your business if I spend that money on a nice car, or a four hundred dollar pair of headphones, or a pet monkey. And just because I find value in something that you don’t, doesn’t mean you need to go off on some rant about how it’s not something worth buying.

WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR BUSINESS:

If you see me purchasing a $40,000 “Business-in-a-Box” from some brand new pyramid scheme company that specializes in $70 chap stick and $4000 water purifiers, you have my permission to bring me to my knees with a crowbar and debrainwash me.

#9: Get your nose out of other people’s beliefs.

Yes, yes. I know. Your beliefs are true. You’ve made that perfectly clear. You have it right and everyone else who believes otherwise has it wrong. Look, I don’t care what you believe. I don’t even care if you believe that you know the truth. What I do care about are the times when you tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I need to get in line with your beliefs. So let’s make a pact. We’ll let each other know when we are ready to have the other person’s beliefs crammed down our throat. Until then, we don’t say anything. Fair enough?

WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR BUSINESS:

Never. Unless I join some cult and brag to you about our raping and killing rituals. Then, please make sure my ass gets thrown in jail.



#10: Get your nose out of other people’s bad habits and vices.

If it’s not directly affecting you, your life, or your happiness, it’s none of your business if anyone else choose to consume alcohol, suck on a cigarette, or eat lard by the spoonful. It’s also none of your business why anyone might choose to abstain from any or all of that. People aren’t stupid. They know very well what that crap does to their bodies. You telling them that it’s bad for them does nothing but annoy them. I promise.

WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR BUSINESS:

Here’s my promise. If the day ever comes when I start smoking lard cigarettes soaked in booze, I will not be mad at you if you say something about it.

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