Here I am. 37. Going on 38. And I don’t have a girlfriend.

What could I be doing wrong?

Obviously something.

And knowing that, I went back to Instagram, my favorite place to learn how to be an #AwesomePerson. From within the app, I did a quick search for my favorite tag that I just knew would give me endless inspiration.

#BestBoyfriendEver

I mean… why not take tips from the best of the #BEST? I’m going to do ALL these things so that I, too, can have an awesome girlfriend calling me the best boyfriend ever… On Instagram.

Here they are. 30 excellent tips and tricks:

How to be the #BESTBoyfriendEver (According to Instagram)

#1: Help her stay awake while you talk about yourself…


#2: Let her know when pooping makes you sad.


#3: Do yourself up all pretty once in a while.


#4: Always find a way to be on her same level.


#5: Help her start working toward a massive heart attack.


#6: And if that doesn’t work, quintuple your efforts.


#7: Did I mention that sad poop pics really work!


#8: And if they don’t… GUNS! Just make sure you don’t make a creepy face or anything. #SomeoneDialthePoPo! @cooby2516, you may wanna get out of there, QUICK!


#9: Do it. For everyone to see.


#10: Be all sportsy and stuff.


#11: Or, just plain ol’ be… HOT.


#12: Kill things. And then play with them.


#13: Build her confidence in your ability to bite off more than you can chew.


#14: Have a left arm for a right arm? And do it in style.


#15: #workeatsleepshit. Need I say more? Need anyone say more?


#16: Leave her cute reminders of why she doesn’t want to be lookin’ at any other fella.


#17: GAH!


#18: Be willing to give her the bed. You’re taking the giant chair.


#19: Pamper her. And really put that loving effort into it.


#20: The color of your toenails doesn’t matter. It’s the thickness of the fur leading up to it that defines your manliness.


#21: Every girl wants a gold fish. EVERY girl.


#22: Spell cute things with cups. In scary looking places.


#23: Buy her undies… and stufffff.


#24: As long as her last name ain’t Bobbit.


#25: Enjoy life. Get high with her once in a while.


#26: WTF.


#27: Be a hero to her, for her, and with her. In a half-shell.


#28: I don’t know what to say about this one. I am 91% certain this is a ghost photo-bombing the picture.


#29: Money. If you don’t have any other means to secure a girlfriend. Money.


#30: Eat each other’s faces. Because that’s fun.


Oh my gosh I love Instagram. And nothing but love here. If one of these is yours and you want it gone, I’ll be happy to adios it.

Laugh with me (and at me) on Instagram as well… @danoah.